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The Forum According to Curran

Creation- or the First :|

In the beginning, there was nothing.

Then, there was more nothing.

Then there was someone’s dog, but it went away really fast with our slipper.

And there then was still nothing.

Then there was a great blank stare.

The Great Blank Stare loomed over the blank, gray-green world and decided that something had to come. It took him three days. Well, we SAY it took three days, but who is to say what time is to the Great Blank Stare. To it, there was no day, par se. So let’s just say it took a certain amount of time of random thoughts going in and out of its orange head for the decision to be made. Having decided, it then set to work creating the realm of Forum, and the many nations and inhabitants to populate it.

First were the Forums, many in number and layered like the frosting on a bundt cake. The Deviants realm, with its wild growth and cycle of life and death. The fiery and dangerous lands of Complaints, where only the stoutest posters could thrive. Soon there were calmer lands like Help and Praise, with simple lives and warmth. In its Wisdom, the Great Blank Stare also granted lands to those who wished to give ideas, and thus Suggestions was born, of course the Great Blank Stare also periodically considers a casually misplaced bolt of godlike light to smite the repeat posters, but that is for another sermon. However with these good lands, the Stare knew that other lands would have to come forwith to place the undesirables of the realms. Thus were the lands of Politics and Thumbshare forged in the blackest iron, each to house those deemed too frightening or repetitive for the other lands. To this day, brave souls venture into these lands, seeking elusive and valuable nuggets of discussion and insight, but usually only return with cart and wagonloads of lunacy and arrogance. Also, the Stare deemed each category or style worthy of a land of its own, but it has cleverly hidden them. For he works in mysterious ways, or is a total jackass who likes the idea.

With the lands created, the Stare turned his attention to his personal avatars, attendants to the Forum lands who will keep order and law within them, and idiocy away with burning weapons, each one granted a flaming exclamation point and a red lock shield to do battle. Many of these warriors and archangels were pulled from any number of realms, all chosen by the Stare to do battle. Foremost among them is a mysterious black and white figure, from the land of Movie Pictures and Intelligence. While only appearing for brief battles, each battle he struck in was as a million tongues of burning smart were poured into the battlefield. Archlord Mooboy is one of the Stare’s greatest champions, and he wields his weapons with supreme grace. Among him stand lesser, but still equally worthy battlers. A ninja from the world’s oldest brick building, a purple-haired angel who enjoys the forbidden art of anime, a mighty, yet mysterious bouncing clown ball with the soul of black and many others all great, but too numerous to mention. Revere these figures, clad in their plus and dollar signs (and that little c with a circle, whatever it is) for they are the agents of the Stare, and will smite you SO fast if you cross them.

Lastly, the Stare created us all, the denizens of the forum. Not all were created equal, because the Stare creates not just us, but also the power of discussion and the valuable insight that we all may (or mostly may not) hold. Like the many types of Forums, there are many types of Posters, some smart, some dumb, some with good tastes, and some annoying. All live under the watchful blankness that is the Stare, showing our praise with his sacred symbols and amulets. The :| is the most basic of symbols, but those with more faith and devotion use others, such as the :roll: symbol, the mark of the warrior, or the :aww: medallion, mark of the kind. Many symbols have their meanings:

:roll: the Warrior, protector and battler of the forum
:aww: and :hug: the seals of the Healer
:o the seal of the Faith, and Feared
=P and ;P the marks of Jovial Humor and Laughs
:lol: :rofl: and :lmao: the symbols of Joy
:spin: the symbol…er….of wtf mates?

Other symbols are used, but they are saved for yet another tome.

Prayer to the Great Blank Stare

O Stare
Please guide us
Grant us safety from stings of drama and fools
And Wit in Battle
Give us the power of Sarcasm
And drain the strength of the enemies
Amen

The Trials of the Stare

For one wishing to become a witness to the power of the Stare, and fully sponsored by the Church of Stare, they must pass what are known as the Trials of the Stare. Each one is a testament to the faith and solidarity of the potential member. Some are more dangerous and painful than others, but each is a step towards oneness with the Stare, of knowing when to use him and call his power, but not overly.

The Trial of Reading – The most simple of trials for the initiate. One only needs to study and learn from the scriptures written before each part of the land of Forum. Or more bluntly, posting in the right goddamned forum . Not only does one need to know the names and descriptions, but allow themselves to apply the knowledge to themselves, and where to put their words. They must learn to see the deep values of ideas, and not just the simple base appearances. POST IN THE RIGHT FORUM OR GET SMITED SO HARD YOUR ASS WILL BE LIKE JELLY….JEEZ! And Amen.

The Trial of Expression- Once past the first hurdle, many new initiates ache to post and speak and invoke the power of the Forum’s symbols, and they have already failed their second Trial. This Trial is about the Restraint of use, of using one punctuation mark, or emote, or forum to make one’s thoughts known.

The Trial of Travel (Pilgrimage of the Stare) – this little known trial involves a pilgrimage to the highest peaks of Forum and the lowest depths, searching for the Chest of the Stare. Really, it is just getting the author of this text a drink from a hidden cooler, but come on, that sounds lame as hell.

The Trial of Whips – One must travel to the den of the Forum dominatrixes and sacrifice their bodies for their pleasure. Some pilgrims never leave this trial, for reasons unknown, on that note, littlefishey, I will be around soon.

The Trial of Avatar- With the first four Trials aside, one may now take up their own banner in the form of a memorable or themed avatar. They must meditate in the groves of the great avatar men, and once twenty days have passed, the avatar will come to them. Sometimes those of similar avatars band together, such as the Box Retinue of young forum Paladins led by MattGreen. Others, such as the Banner of Curran, are plain, but strike terror into the hearts of those who he finds worthy of a charge.

The Trial of Sarcasm – With Curran as the guide, one most take a journey into the hearts of many lands, learning to use sarcasm and most importantly, how to read it and detect its use in the lands of Forum. Many young learners have foolishly attacked the redoubts of sarcasm and have been rebuked rightfully.

Each Trial is many and difficult, and there are more. But the spirit of the Stare is fading and the words coming from my pen are dying, so I pass on the last knowledge of the stare, and hope that the spirit comes again and spreads to others.
Not one but TWO writings from me! OH EM GEE!

This has been a long in progress work of mine to commemorate my 20,000+ posts here, I hope people who frequent the forums are inspired to do their own bit. And I garner attention and my own ` :P

Spread the word of Forum!

(by the way, love to ^mangapunksai for the preview image)
Add a Comment:
 
:iconexpeconen:
Expeconen Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2014
Wow,Many of these warriors and archangels were pulled from any number of realms, all chosen by the Stare to do battle. Foremost among them is a mysterious black and white figure, from the land of Movie Pictures and Intelligence. i know [url=www.toptrafficsafty.com/] anti-everything[/url]
Reply
:iconsketcherjak:
sketcherjak Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2010
LMAO!
Reply
:iconevilsyndicatemember:
evilsyndicatemember Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2009  Professional Artist
I don't know why I haven't seen this before. :lol: It was awesome.
Reply
:iconj-brown:
J-Brown Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2007
Insightful. Very insightful. I will read from it often, and its prayer and scripture will forever be perused by me... because I'm very forgetful.
Reply
:iconjezzy-fezzy:
Jezzy-Fezzy Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2006   General Artist
:worship: AMEN! This is funny shit :lmao: Kudos for you! =D I :+fav:
Reply
:iconcalaverastock:
Calaverastock Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2006
LMAO, that is just soo great. Makes me think of a terry Pratchett style sense of humor. Just ... wow I love it. :+fav: ^^
Reply
:iconguitarkitty:
guitarkitty Featured By Owner May 1, 2006
Why do I see jark or one of the many admins being something to the equivalent of moses...I have to read more. This is equal to that of Douglas Adams Hitchhikers books and I must read more now. :scuttles off to gallery....where the fuck did I get the word scuttles from...:
Reply
:icondemonlight:
demonlight Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2006  Professional Writer
Curran, this is a thing of beauty. I believe that it should be forever enshrined - enshrined in what, I don't know. Or maybe it should be placed on some sort of an altar. Possibly in a gold frame.

I say we need more cameos though.
Reply
:iconisotoperuption:
Isotoperuption Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2007  Hobbyist General Artist
we should have this engraved in Obsidian and highlighted in white and place in front of dA headquarters
Reply
:iconcurran:
curran Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2006
:lol:
Reply
:iconvso:
vso Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2006
Well, this writing is heretical, anti-everything, and makes me sound like an angel. I am in awe of this wondorous creation. All hail curran, the Thane of Ancienthome, Thy junk will be watched!!!
Reply
:iconkekan:
Kekan Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2006   Writer
From this, I must learn to emote less and be more consise with my comments. More or less expressions of my feelings. I love the Scriptures, and I only hope that there are more Scriptures to come. Long live the Stare and Forever with its Wisdom.
Reply
:iconangelofplottwists:
angelofplottwists Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2006   Writer
Much amusement. I love deviantARt parodies...
Reply
:iconthejcgerm:
thejcgerm Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2006
w00t indeed. :D
Reply
:iconimperfect01:
imperfect01 Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2006
I'll have read this when I get the chance... so far I like it.
Reply
:iconneonfishy:
neonfishy Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2006
Oh how that amused me. The way it was written nearly makes me believe it's a bible of sorts, but with so much humour. Cheers.
Reply
:iconcurran:
curran Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2006
Hey, mind if I ask you something. Where did you find this? I've noticed all kinds of views and favorites on it lately. Has some posted a link or something? :P
Reply
:iconneonfishy:
neonfishy Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2006
*laughs* ^mangapunksai is one of the featured artists in [link] and one of her deviations is the coloured version of your preview picture, which links to here. ;p
Reply
:iconbluelunatic:
BlueLunatic Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2006
The last lines about the Almighty Stare remind me of the first chapter of the Gospel of John. :o It goes something like "In the Begginning there was the Word, and there was nothing but The Word...." Well, something like that, I don't have my Bible with me now ^^; But I mean "The Word" in John 1, and in here, "The Stare," are repeated several times...^^; Well, I dunno if you understand me but I'm gonna fave this :fav:
Reply
:iconthebadassdevil:
TheBadassDevil Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2006
I'm a changed man today.
Today, I have seen the LIGHT!
and it is : :spin:

Praise The Great Blank Stare!
Reply
:iconyeenoghu:
Yeenoghu Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2006
Testify!!!!
Reply
:icontalladega:
talladega Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
LMFAO.
Reply
:iconwilliam--kain:
William--Kain Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2005
That's the first thing consisting of more than 5 lines I've been able to read on DA in some time. Nice!

well written.
Reply
:iconbmmb00sh00t:
bmmb00sh00t Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2005   Interface Designer
are you the stare's second in command? should be. :shakefist:


:worship::|


this was wonderful curran, you nailed it on the head, pretty much.

i do have a question for the almighty stare, however: why the hell did i get stuck going to the complaints forum first? i do love it there, though.
Reply
:iconhumanityingeneral:
HumanityInGeneral Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2005   Writer
:roll:

...Sorry, I just had to use that, all pointless emotes aside, wonderful work.

you forgot the mighty Purging of the Llamas though.
Reply
:icontigergodsabawn:
TigerGodSabawn Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2005
I havent read it yet but the pic is F-ing hilarious!!
Reply
:iconinconflict:
InConflict Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2005  Hobbyist General Artist
nice.. humor philosophy
Reply
:iconwinterfang:
Winterfang Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2005  Hobbyist Writer
You are either out of your mind or a a genius. I'm betting on the former, but hey, you never know. Great job-- this is a good laugh.
Reply
:iconartlover25:
ArtLover25 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2005
That is hilarious. I thought it was just a picture at first, but there is so much more! Very clever indeed!
Reply
:iconpalestinian-pride:
Palestinian-Pride Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2005
hahahah lmfao this is GREAT, love the pic as well :D
Reply
:iconfiidchell:
Fiidchell Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2005  Hobbyist Digital Artist
What is the point in making fun of references in the Bible? You tell me.
Reply
:iconcurran:
curran Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2005
What?
Reply
:icon3vil-bunny:
3vil-Bunny Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2005
It gave me a great laugh, it's really hummorous :D (tha part with the dog and the slipper being my favourite). I recognized most people you mentioned, but who is "a mysterious black and white figure, from the land of Movie Pictures and Intelligence." ^ndifference?

Have you done part 2? *goes to gallery to check*
Reply
:iconcurran:
curran Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2005
Reply
:icon3vil-bunny:
3vil-Bunny Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2005
Oh, thanks :) .
Reply
:iconjoeyramoney:
joeyramoney Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2005
ooooooooooooooookkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....................
Reply
:iconbaka-chan:
baka-chan Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2005
:lmao: Great dude. That was fun reading. Don't forget about me! I'm the worlds cutest messiah damnit! :shakefist:
Reply
:iconsketchyskit:
sketchyskit Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2005
hahahahahaha i love the text u used in the speech bubble...v.simple but i like the style
Reply
:iconcurran:
curran Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2005
Read the description, I didn't do the picture.
Reply
:iconbrainsurge:
brainsurge Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2005
Eh heh heh, awesome :D
Reply
:iconthepinkfloyd:
thepinkfloyd Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2005
the image alone is worth the +fav
Reply
:iconyume-ookami:
yume-ookami Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2005  Student Traditional Artist
lol, oh goodness this is just too good for words!
Reply
:iconrossriders:
rossriders Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2005  Hobbyist General Artist
Took me long enough to actually start reading this, this is funny, something that can be of some actuall help to not only the DA forums but others, least the few I've been too anyway (GT planet being one). Nice take on the view of forums in a religious 'style'... if I could honeslty name such a case. The illustration is just... excellent.

I don't know what else of coherience I can say to it, great job there.
Reply
:iconemiliorodriguez:
EmilioRodriguez Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2005  Student General Artist
in the picture.. you forgot some body saying "OMG YOU HAX!! I'M GONNA GET ADMIN TO BAN YOU!"
Reply
:iconradioblur:
radioblur Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2005  Professional Digital Artist
I couldn't stop laughing the whole way through this. great use of asides and satire. I sepecially like the lines about the dominatrexes of the forums. very well written and nicely done. +fav
Reply
:iconuntagged:
unTAGGed Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2005
:worship:
Reply
:icondisturbedchicken:
disturbedchicken Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2005  Student Digital Artist
TESTIFY!
I've been converted, how do I worship this "stare" you speak of?
Those who do not obey the great stare shall be killed.... under sentance of... *pauses for dramatic suspence* ...Llama!!
What's wrong with using extra exclamation marks? Huh? Huh? Well?
Reply
:icondragon4989:
dragon4989 Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2005  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
AMEN!
Reply
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