The Forum According to Curran
Creation- or the First
In the beginning, there was nothing.
Then, there was more nothing.
Then there was someone’s dog, but it went away really fast with our slipper.
And there then was still nothing.
Then there was a great blank stare.
The Great Blank Stare loomed over the blank, gray-green world and decided that something had to come. It took him three days. Well, we SAY it took three days, but who is to say what time is to the Great Blank Stare. To it, there was no day, par se. So let’s just say it took a certain amount of time of random thoughts going in and out of its orange head for the decision to be made. Having decided, it then set to work creating the realm of Forum, and the many nations and inhabitants to populate it.
First were the Forums, many in number and layered like the frosting on a bundt cake. The Deviants realm, with its wild growth and cycle of life and death. The fiery and dangerous lands of Complaints, where only the stoutest posters could thrive. Soon there were calmer lands like Help and Praise, with simple lives and warmth. In its Wisdom, the Great Blank Stare also granted lands to those who wished to give ideas, and thus Suggestions was born, of course the Great Blank Stare also periodically considers a casually misplaced bolt of godlike light to smite the repeat posters, but that is for another sermon. However with these good lands, the Stare knew that other lands would have to come forwith to place the undesirables of the realms. Thus were the lands of Politics and Thumbshare forged in the blackest iron, each to house those deemed too frightening or repetitive for the other lands. To this day, brave souls venture into these lands, seeking elusive and valuable nuggets of discussion and insight, but usually only return with cart and wagonloads of lunacy and arrogance. Also, the Stare deemed each category or style worthy of a land of its own, but it has cleverly hidden them. For he works in mysterious ways, or is a total jackass who likes the idea.
With the lands created, the Stare turned his attention to his personal avatars, attendants to the Forum lands who will keep order and law within them, and idiocy away with burning weapons, each one granted a flaming exclamation point and a red lock shield to do battle. Many of these warriors and archangels were pulled from any number of realms, all chosen by the Stare to do battle. Foremost among them is a mysterious black and white figure, from the land of Movie Pictures and Intelligence. While only appearing for brief battles, each battle he struck in was as a million tongues of burning smart were poured into the battlefield. Archlord Mooboy is one of the Stare’s greatest champions, and he wields his weapons with supreme grace. Among him stand lesser, but still equally worthy battlers. A ninja from the world’s oldest brick building, a purple-haired angel who enjoys the forbidden art of anime, a mighty, yet mysterious bouncing clown ball with the soul of black and many others all great, but too numerous to mention. Revere these figures, clad in their plus and dollar signs (and that little c with a circle, whatever it is) for they are the agents of the Stare, and will smite you SO fast if you cross them.
Lastly, the Stare created us all, the denizens of the forum. Not all were created equal, because the Stare creates not just us, but also the power of discussion and the valuable insight that we all may (or mostly may not) hold. Like the many types of Forums, there are many types of Posters, some smart, some dumb, some with good tastes, and some annoying. All live under the watchful blankness that is the Stare, showing our praise with his sacred symbols and amulets. The is the most basic of symbols, but those with more faith and devotion use others, such as the symbol, the mark of the warrior, or the medallion, mark of the kind. Many symbols have their meanings:
the Warrior, protector and battler of the forum
and the seals of the Healer
the seal of the Faith, and Feared
and the marks of Jovial Humor and Laughs
and the symbols of Joy
the symbol…er….of wtf mates?
Other symbols are used, but they are saved for yet another tome.
Prayer to the Great Blank Stare
Please guide us
Grant us safety from stings of drama and fools
And Wit in Battle
Give us the power of Sarcasm
And drain the strength of the enemies
The Trials of the Stare
For one wishing to become a witness to the power of the Stare, and fully sponsored by the Church of Stare, they must pass what are known as the Trials of the Stare. Each one is a testament to the faith and solidarity of the potential member. Some are more dangerous and painful than others, but each is a step towards oneness with the Stare, of knowing when to use him and call his power, but not overly.
The Trial of Reading – The most simple of trials for the initiate. One only needs to study and learn from the scriptures written before each part of the land of Forum. Or more bluntly, posting in the right goddamned forum . Not only does one need to know the names and descriptions, but allow themselves to apply the knowledge to themselves, and where to put their words. They must learn to see the deep values of ideas, and not just the simple base appearances. POST IN THE RIGHT FORUM OR GET SMITED SO HARD YOUR ASS WILL BE LIKE JELLY….JEEZ! And Amen.
The Trial of Expression- Once past the first hurdle, many new initiates ache to post and speak and invoke the power of the Forum’s symbols, and they have already failed their second Trial. This Trial is about the Restraint of use, of using one punctuation mark, or emote, or forum to make one’s thoughts known.
The Trial of Travel (Pilgrimage of the Stare) – this little known trial involves a pilgrimage to the highest peaks of Forum and the lowest depths, searching for the Chest of the Stare. Really, it is just getting the author of this text a drink from a hidden cooler, but come on, that sounds lame as hell.
The Trial of Whips – One must travel to the den of the Forum dominatrixes and sacrifice their bodies for their pleasure. Some pilgrims never leave this trial, for reasons unknown, on that note, littlefishey, I will be around soon.
The Trial of Avatar- With the first four Trials aside, one may now take up their own banner in the form of a memorable or themed avatar. They must meditate in the groves of the great avatar men, and once twenty days have passed, the avatar will come to them. Sometimes those of similar avatars band together, such as the Box Retinue of young forum Paladins led by MattGreen. Others, such as the Banner of Curran, are plain, but strike terror into the hearts of those who he finds worthy of a charge.
The Trial of Sarcasm – With Curran as the guide, one most take a journey into the hearts of many lands, learning to use sarcasm and most importantly, how to read it and detect its use in the lands of Forum. Many young learners have foolishly attacked the redoubts of sarcasm and have been rebuked rightfully.
Each Trial is many and difficult, and there are more. But the spirit of the Stare is fading and the words coming from my pen are dying, so I pass on the last knowledge of the stare, and hope that the spirit comes again and spreads to others.